good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
