But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize