Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
