And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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