What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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