just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
