My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
babies were throwing up all over the place
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
