I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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