and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
