when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
