Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
