I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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