I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize