i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
