someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize