I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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