i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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