so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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