In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Found your dick twin last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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