He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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