mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
