i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
