Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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