I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
