Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's the barista slut.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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