I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
it was like eating out sand paper
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
