you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
