Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize