Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
