omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
