WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
