First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
