I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
