i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
