so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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