I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
