Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
