Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
