dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
