why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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