o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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