my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You can't motorboat a personality
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
