Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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