I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up under a house in Key West
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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