Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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