When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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