Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You pole danced in your parka.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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