dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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