Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
