If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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