umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
