There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
