You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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