Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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