why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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