bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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