You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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