what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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