If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
