whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
