Jerry, you need to find god
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
