can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize