Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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