my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
