why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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