You made me cry and you don't even care
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
