I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
