I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
