Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize