At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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