I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
