Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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