If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize