She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
