Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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